I'm out. I'm just out. Offline. Out of space.
At the moment I am at a place where no one can find me. I am somewhere. It doesn't matter where I am. It doesn't matter what day it is. It doesn't matter what time it is. The only thing that does matter is that life is happening. It always was and it always will. It's a fluid process of energy transformation. Our job is to transmute it all into light. Because this is where we come from and this is where we are going again one day. Someday. This is what society calls death. But how can we die when we never really lived?
Do you sometimes find yourself in a moment where you have the feeling of seeing a Deja Vu or being in a state of mind where you thought you know exactly what is about to happen the next seconds? Do you sometimes think that you are really able to lead yourself through this world? Do you believe in the power of the free will or do you think that we are really determined and nothing ever changes, because it is actually long ago already planned for you? So that you are just following this stream called life and someday gonna die?
I guess there is something that we are overlooking. For me I have these feelings of missing out. That I really want to see but I am just not able to open my eyes. And now and then I can just focus on the now and be in the present moment. But then there comes another thought and destroys my beautiful illusion of just being one with the Universe. I don't want to be the slave of my mind anymore. So I am going to give this experiment a thought. I am my own experiment and I wanna know the power of being. Less human more being.
So, all you have to know is: I am somewhere in India. You will never find me. I am totally isolated from society. I am in a place without clocks and mirrors. I shut my phone down the minute I arrived at this place. I wanna go through a test with myself. With me and myself. Because I am pretty sure that over the years I created at least two different personalities. And I wanna know which of them is the real me. If there is something like a real me. This is what I am going to try. I have nothing to lose because I already lost everything. I lost my identity. So there is nothing more that could happen which would make it worse. This is why I am here.
And to be honest - I exactly asked for this. But it was not really clear for me. Because the mind is a tricky tool. It can make you go crazy. I feel my mind is the monster under my bed. Which causes my nightmares and bad dreams. To let me wake up in the middle of the night and make me feel like: The fuck did just happened? Was it a dream? It felt so fucking real...
Reality is an illusion, so are time and space. We are infinite energy transmuting from the light back to the light. We are stardust wrapped in a fleshy earthy body. I wanna know why I lost my connection to the Earth and how I can get back in touch with the highest high of the Universe. I asked for this breakdown. I exactly wanted to have this moment of losing my mind. Of losing myself. Because I start to realise that there is no self. The self is the ego which was created over layers and layers in the past twenty three years in the western world. I faked mostly everything. Because how can I be sure that something was real? Ah, I guess I know: These moments when I was thoughtless. These moments when I was just so in the moment that I completely forgot about time and space. These moments when I felt true love. When I was so one with my body and my mind that my soul could explode out of my skin. When I had goosebumps. When my heart threatened to burst out of my chest. When I had to cry like hell. Out of joy or of sadness. But crying is the true me.
I am emotional. I am highly sensitive. I am an empath. I am a woman. And I am free. I don't need a name. I don't need a race. I don't need a religion. I don't need a birthdate. I just want to be. This is my true purpose. And the interesting fact is: it's yours as well! We are all made to experience this life to the fullest. But it's hard nowadays and I bet it will get harder for any further generation. Because we are slaves to our minds. And this happens slowly. It's like a tumour in my head. And it's growing daily. It's like society cancer. I became stunted. Maimed. Crippled. I was just a shade of who I could be. And I finally opened my eyes to my true self to realise this. And it fucking hurts. Nobody ever said that awakening is a funny thing.
But once you started to climb that rocky mountain of enlightenment you implement that the path isn't that hard. Just the start is hard. Because you are always shaving over your shoulder to see all your past memories waving back at you. They are trying to get you back. They want you back because they put so much effort and energy in your creation. But you have this desire to proof yourself something. You just wanna overcome this endless hill to see what's on the other side. You are no longer afraid or concerned about all the things that could go wrong. You are more and more excited about all the blessings and gifts that you are going to receive. And in the moment of groaning and moaning you become aware to something - the fucking path will never end. You thought that you can arrive and have a break and look back to see what you have already done. But it's an illusion. It seemed as you never started.
And this is the moment of self awareness. This is the moment of true identification with life. To overcome the fear of reaching something. We are always setting goals to measure our efficiency of achieving it. But once you have it you don't feel as happy as you always imagined. It was never the true desire to reach the goal - it was more and more the fight with yourself to conquer your ego.
And this is what society does to you: it compares you. It compares you to everything and everyone around you. And then you start to believe that this is you. That all your followers and all these likes you gain per day are real. It's not. It's just another trick to keep you occupied. To turn your attention away from getting in contact with your true self. And people always talk about "finding themselves" while they are traveling. Well, in certain points I agree to this. But mostly it's another way of running away from your true self. Because finding yourself includes the part of losing yourself first. How can you find yourself if you never lost yourself? Aha! So most of us lost themselves. Because we don't know who we are apart from our name, our profession, our titles and family members or friends. Who are you? Who am I?
I asked the Universe for all the shit I'm going through. From the outside it may look beautiful. Oh wow, she is traveling the world. Oh man, another post of a beautiful sunset at a beach somewhere in Spain. Oh well, another healthy dish of vegan food in South East Asia. Fuck you! I don't want to do this anymore. Because I am compassionate. And I know how crazy it can drive you. And I don't want to harm anybody anymore on this planet. I neither want to make you feel envy or jealous nor make you feel that you are missing out something because you are still in your cozy comfort zone. That's your life. It's your decision. If you think that you are going to be happy if you stay in the same place all your life - live with it. I don't give a damn fuck. I hate competition. I am out.
There is this divine power in me which tells me to don't give up. To focus on myself and become selfless. Life is all about contrast. You first have to be very selfish to discover that there is no self at all. I want to overcome the power of power. I am not here to compare myself with all these skinny models on Instagram. Thank you society, you already created such a self-criticism inside of me that I was close to break down. Man I thought about taking my life. I was so depressed to not fit in. It was so hard for me to accept that I am just not like all these cute little girls who are small and precious. I'm a motherfucking gladiator, bitch! I am a goddess. I am a fighter. And I am here to end my pain. As the buddha said it so easily: Enlightenment is the end of suffering.
I mean, if there is nothing to compare to - how can you not be perfect? How can you not be the best version of yourself? I mean, for me this life is the craziest godsend of all possible gifts you could ever receive. I was given a body. It's the only thing I will ever own in this lifetime. Nothing was ever mine or will ever be mine except for my own body. My body is my home. It doesn't matter where on Earth I am. I am home all the time. I am home in the fleshy skin of my body. This is the end of my existence. The edge of the world is delimited by my skin. And the possibilities of having a human existence are just as limited as your mind is. So if you are able to free yourself from your mind - you are free. You always were and you will always be.
I don't know if any of you out there will understand what I am going through now. But this is just my own perception of reality. It is how I take life as it is. And this is the only way of making me so damn grateful for every breath I take. I just have to remind myself of this. That nothing is limited. Everything is possible. And I will show you how. I will be my own proof of endless opportunities. I am manifesting my world. I am visualising my life. I am creating my own reality. And it's not about the future that is yet to come. It's all about the present moment. Nothing will ever happen in the future because the future is out of our ability to act. Everything can just happen in the now.
Let your past be your teacher. And let your future be your rescue. Because I know that there are these moments when something wonderful is happening and you just realise afterwards that it was something that you have asked for. Because you can have an imagination of what is about to happen but ultimately the Universe will present it to you exactly in the perfect moment. When you are ready for it. And it will look different than you have imagined it because the Universe knows much better what you deserve than you do. So just relax. And after it happened you can look back and be thankful for what you received.
You are still dreaming. You are dreaming at night and you are dreaming by day. This is the only thing that rescues you from falling into a big black hole. Don't let your mind soak you up in the deep dark vortex of your worries. Fear is the only obstacle that holds you back from having the best time of your life.
The only requirement is: you have to do it your way. You need to do it by yourself. Nobody on this planet can do it for you. You can ask other people for help, for sure. You can consult spiritual teachers, of course. But you have to walk the path your own. Because how can you experience the divine power of being when you always focus on others? Live for yourself. There is nothing to reach in life. There is nothing to achieve because you are already complete. You are one. You don't need to find your soulmate because it was you all the time. You don't need to travel the whole world to compare your passport stamps to other ones to show off. You don't need to have the most fanciest clothes to demonstrate your sense of fashion. It's your false self. It's the fake you. Let it go.
Focus on yourself. Become selfish to go through everything by your own and realise that there is no self. So just then you can become selfless. And just then life can happen for you. As it was all the time. And as it will all the time. There is no time. There is no space. You are infinite. You are beautiful pulsing life energy streaming through your veins. From the bottom of your heart through your whole body back to the bottom of your heart. All the time. You just don't realise it. Every breath you take is a little love note to yourself. And every heartbeat is a promise of your energy to never stop. Because the day your heart stops beating is the day when you are free from your body. So don't let life challenge you so much and put pressure on your shoulders. Let it go. Leave it all somewhere. Put it to the garbage. And just run.
Run in the open arms of the gorgeous life waiting for you. Say yes to life. Be in your body and use it for all the exciting things you always wanted to experience.
What time is it? Now. Now is the time. If not now, then when?
I am present.
I am there.
I am now.