Did you ever had this feeling of something is just wrong? That something in your life is just not working out the way it should be? How can we know what should be? Why is there always a gap between right or wrong? Why do we create this difference? Because we don't know what else to do. We just follow the same old patterns and habits that all the people around as always did. And why? Of course. Because it's easy. Because it's easier to follow the mass than to follow your own intuition. And why? Because your own intuition maybe led you the putative so called wrong way. And this makes you feel anxiety of life in general. The fear of making bad decisions.
What if there are no bad decisions? What if everything in this cosmos is exactly working out as it should be? For the highest good. For the peace of your own soul. We can just learn from our past because the future is nothing concrete. I think it's just a very nice way to settle our mind in the moment to always look forward in the future. In this time where everything will get better. Sure. This is a meditative way of relaxation for your soul. To always focus on something. Focus on goals which are obviously always in the future.
There is nothing to reach in this life. Whether the top of your career or the goal to visit every country in the whole world. I just read on the internet that there was a woman under 30 years who visited all countries of the world in less than one year. And now? She can tell everyone that she spent endless hours on an aeroplane. I mean, is there any kind of competition between travellers that I just didn't get? Mostly, when I meet strangers in foreign places and we just start a casual chat the same questions comes up: And, where did you already been? I mean, fuck you! What about the question: Hey, what did you discover in yourself while you are traveling? Or: What was the most beautiful experience you had on your journey out of your homeland? Always the same questions. I am so bored of this.
This is why I started to isolate myself. Complete solitude. Sometimes I get so scared of myself that I really could eat or sleep all day just to keep me occupied. And then my mind confuses me and fucks me from all sides. I mean, we are always doing something. And when we are not doing something we are thinking about what we are going to do next. That's fucking sick. We are all sick. The biggest disease of our time: our mind. It grows daily. Like a tumour. Like a monster. Because we helped it to become a monster. We fed our false identities with false food and out of all these lies we created all these different masks. We have a mask for our parents another one for our mate and yet another one for social media. And then in the night after such a long day we are removing our layers of false self and gaze in the mirror. The mirror image never lies. Because that's what you perceive through your own eyes.
Well, I think it's pretty funny that I started traveling almost one year ago with the intention of see beautiful places on this Earth. Hahaha. Who could know that I would really end up somewhere in the outback; just me and nature and nothing else? No contact to so called friends or family. I cut myself off from the outside world. It all started with traveling some popular cities in Europe. Then I asked myself why I really did this. Of course it was nice to see some beautiful churches in Rome or some nice sunsets in Ibiza. But to be honest - some things I just did for the picture. I really heard some people in Barcelona saying in a little side street at night: "Take a snap quick! Because without the picture it actually didn't happen".
We are all slaves. We are all just another brick in the wall. And I don't have a fucking problem to admit this. I am exactly what I don't like about this human race. ADDICTED. It reveals itself a little differently in every human being. But sooner or later we all have to face the fact: we are all addicted. Me personally, I was addicted to so many things: approval, attention, food, sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, going out, meeting people, purchasing things, everything. I was just trying to not spent too much time by myself. Because I was fucking scared of my true self. Oh lord. Because since I can think I am hyper critical with myself. I hated myself when I was alone. There was just nothing to do. There was just nothing to experience. There was nothing to reach. And that scared me that most. They told me that you need goals to measure your effort.
So if I want to face it or not: I am healing at the moment. I am doing a withdrawal. I am detoxing from society. I am in rehab. I am fucking breaking free from my fake identity. And I release the soul that is living in my body for almost 24 years now. And I think if I would consulate a psychiatrist they would tell me that I am curing from my traumas. And now you think: Oh, what traumas does a girl have when she grows up in a wealthy family in well educated West Germany? Man, it's the fucking fact that everyone around me was telling me how to live. But the funniest thing about it - nobody had any idea of how to live. They just taught me how to survive with a smile.
But this life is not about surviving. This life is not about achieving goals and pat yourself on the shoulder. This life is not about showing off with material things you bought from money you don't actually have to impress people who don't even care at all. And I think it's natural that we all do this when we grew up in a world like this. Because they told you that you are crazy if you are not like the others. And who wants to be called crazy? I always wanted to be called crazy. But I was not strong enough to break free from this life. I was afraid. I had fucking anxiety to not fit in. To not be acknowledged. To not be accepted.
Maybe I am just more sensitive than most of you. Or maybe I am just brave enough to admit this fact. I cannot deceive myself anymore. It hurts. Some would call it a burn out. Maybe I had. Everyone just told me all the time that this is "normal". I have a huge antipathy to this very word. What the fuck is normal? Normal is just the definition for the average dumb person who is not protesting against anything at all. Normal is a person who has this nine-to-five mentality without ever asking questions. Normal is the definition of anxiety. Of control. Of fear and concern. Of worrying all the time. I don't want to offend anyone of you reading this. It's just my perception.
I mean, I could just say fuck it and give a shit about anyone else on this planet like most of the profit oriented people do it their whole life. Why care about the next generation? As long as I am living a life full of abundance that's great. I don't give a shit about the next fifty years because I will be dead soon. Well yeah, if you continue with eating dead animals and stuffing your body up with medication, you probably will. I have to think about my grandma. She is lying in rest home for almost two years now. She is seventy something. And she was eating meat, dairy and processed food all her life. She started medication in her twenties for depression. And in her sixties she was so addicted that she could not fall asleep if she didn't had at least four sleeping pills. And now she is alone in rest home. Because nobody cares about her. And why? Because she never cared about anyone than herself. Of course she would never admit this. But this is how I grew up. I have been told that you should always care for others. And while saying this the energy was just a lie. So on what should I react? The spoken word or the completely different body language?
I know that it's hard to break free from all these old patterns. I know that it's hard to leave all the so well known habits behind. Because you are afraid of what is about to come then. I understand your worries. But did you ever think about how much energy you already lost because of worrying about things that mostly never happened? Or did you sometimes realise that everything that you are worrying about all day is then so about to happen. For example you tell yourself all the time that you are gonna be late for work. Your emotions are going down, your stress level is increasing, cortisol goes to the climax. And why? Because you fucking put that energy out in the Universe.
I've been worrying about everything. I was mostly worried about the fact that I will not get the right treatment of approval. And in the end it was like that. But in the end it doesn't even matter. All that matters is that you have a lifetime on Earth. I am now reading The Power Of Now from Eckhart Tolle. Finally this masterpiece found its way into my hands. And it's hard to read I have to admit. Because it opens up a complete new world about the matter of time for me. And this is why I am going through this self experiment without access to the outside world. Without time and dates. To try something. And the start was pretty hard. But it keeps getting better every day. And I completely forget sometimes that I will have to work someday again and that I will have to look for another place to stay. Because it fucking doesn't matter now. I will not be concerned about things that will not happen to 99% - ciao.
Because I know that it will not change a thing. It will just leave me with frustration and anxiety. I want to break free from this. I want to live in the now. I want to be as present as possible. I want to be free as long as I live. I am a free spirit and I will always be. And I wanna offer my help where it's needed. But first I have to heal myself. And as I finished this experiment and the process is done - I am there for you. I know that you are waiting for me all your life and I am waiting for you as well. But the time is just not right yet. Let's leave it up to the Universe to pick the perfect timing. And then we gonna break free. We all gonna break free.
I want to break free.
I want to break free.
I want to break free from your lies you're so self satisfied - I don't need you.
I've got to break free.
God knows - God knows I want to break free.
Oh how I want to be free
Oh how I want to break free