Eternity

What if I was just created for you? What if I was just born to tell you I love you? What if I was just sent to this Earth to be with you? 

I miss you so much. I can't tell you how much I miss you. It's really hard to put it in human words to explain the hole in my chest that I feel when I think about you.  Think about us. It's not that I am suffering anymore. But I do feel pain, because you are not physically here with me. And I know that everything happens for a reason and that time will heal all the wounds. 

But what if I did everything I am going through now just for you? For us? Just to be with you? Just to be by your side? Just to guide you with my light and be enlightened by yours? I don't know if we are gonna be together in this lifetime or not. But do you know what? It doesn't matter. Because I love you anyway. I always loved you and I always will. And just to know that you feel the same for me lets me wake up with a smile every morning. Again and again. 

I know that you think about me as well. I just feel it. Because I am vibrating higher and since I am aware of this I just connect with the Universe. And we all have these moments when we just click with another person's thoughts and it's the next level of telepathy. And you know that we both have this. We both have it. It was even there before we got introduced to each other. It was even before our physical meeting. Your energy introduced you before you even spoke to me. We know each other for so many lives. We just found a way back to each other. And do you know what? Everything that I put in any kind of order makes sense now. It all leads me to you. It leads me front and back to you. It leads me past you. It leads me through you. And it leads me through myself. And I have learnt so much from you. You have no idea how much you have taught me. I am so proud of how far I've already come. 

Do you remember the last time we met? Friday the 13th of January. Friday the fucking 13th. Fuck. Do you know what I feel? I really do believe that we made a promise. Even before this day. But this day was the last physical exchange of true love energy. Of powerful infinite energy. And it was just through our looks. We were talking and pretending to eat something but we were not really doing it. I felt it. It was just because you had to do it like this because all the others were doing it. What humans do. I am pretty sure that we are no humans, babe. We are divine creatures. 

I mean look at you. Look at me. Look at us. Look at what we have created together. And what we destroyed. And how much pain our togetherness caused. And that we were addicted to each other. So I had to end it. But it was not because of you. Or neither because of me. It was because of the huge package of conditionings. And the greatest part: my parents. But do you know what? It was necessary. Because just out of this destruction we could see our true colours. And I really did it for my parents. I was so guided by my desire for their approval. And do you know what? Everything was fake. My family is fake. My father is not my father. We are not related. And my mum told me this two months ago. Crazy? No. Necessary. 

Everything had to happen exactly the way it was happening. Because do you know why? If I've been grown up with the right father, I would probably never moved out of this area or this country at all. So just because of this I moved to your city. There was this deep desire to come in physical contact with you. To reach you. And it paid off. After twenty years on this planet I met you in real life. This would have never happened if my mother decided to tell her boyfriend that she is pregnant from another man. But she didn't. So we moved. I left my whole family and all my friends for something new. I didn't know what to expect at all. But I had this feeling of something great is about to happen. I wasn't even spiritual at all at this time. But I knew deep down in my soul that I would meet someone special. And I did. 

On the 24th of May in the year 2014. Well, this was the day when we got to know each other. Because I am sure that we met before but we were just not ready. And this day changed my life. You changed my life. But did it really change or had it just begun? We were just so pure in that very night. Do you remember that you asked me where I have to go after everyone left and just the two of us were still there? In your arms. In your arms I answered. And so it happened. And then you gave me that look. This look of eternity. This very special look before you come down to my face to kiss me. While you focus on my lips and smile a bit. This look of anticipation. Just the thought of it gives me goosebumps. 

I completely melted into eternity with you. There was no time. There was no space. There were just these two beautiful souls finally reunited in human form. Your lips are just the most beautiful thing I ever tasted in my whole life. I deeply know that we are made for each other. Our souls know each other for so many lifetimes. We have been reincarnated to this planet again and again and in this night we finally melted into eternity again. I am so grateful. I am so forever grateful that my mother kept a secret for 23 years and opened up her true face to me. It was hard to get, for sure. But since I am isolated from the outside world and in peace with myself - there is so much room to believe. I don't wanna call it time to think because I am beyond that. 

I mean how can I think of you every day since we met? No matter if we are together or not. You are there. You are in my head. You are in my heart. You are in my soul. Maybe we share the same soul. I am so thankful for everything that happened. And I know that I hurt you so many times. And I apologised so many times. And finally I can forgive myself for all my mistakes. There is just love and light left. I don't focus on you anymore. I just want you to be happy. And if you are happy with another girl, I am happy for you. But deep down I feel that our paths will cross again. So now I ask myself, what does come first? The thought or the desire? Because sometimes I just think about something and the thought just comes up in my mind and I feel a need for something to achieve or to gain or to experience or to know or whatever. Can we really be sure that our thoughts are going to create our future? Or is our future going to create the thoughts in our heads? Maybe to prepare us? 

How can we die if we are never born? What if life is a dream and when we die we wake up? What if this world is a complete illusion and the only truth lies inside our souls? I still have so many questions. I still have the desire to discuss so many philosophical topics with you. I still want to see so many starry skies with you. I still want to see so many different shapes of the moon with you. I still want to drink tea with you on a balcony and leave a heart in the cup... There are so many signs...

One day, baby, we'll be old, oh baby, we'll be old and think about the stories that we could have told. So close no matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever trust in who we are. And nothing else matters. Trust I seek and I find in you. Every day for us something new. Open mind for a different view. And nothing else matters. You're so hypnotising. Could you be the devil? Could you be an angle? Your touch magnetising. Feels like I am floating. Leaves my body glowing. They say be afraid. You're not like the others, futuristic lover. Different DNA. They don't understand you. You're from a whole other world. A different dimension. You open my eyes. And I'm ready to go - lead me into the light. 

I truly believe that I was just created for you. My whole life story is just a pretty facade. But deep down in my soul you even knew me before I did. You believed in me even before I did. And you loved me even before I did, unconditionally. And this is why I will love you forever. Because you believed in me. And you tried to love me as hard as you could but how can you love someone when they just give you a little part of the whole spectrum of infinite love energy? I saw the edge in the book that you gave me back on our last meeting. This Osho book about courage. And the hint was on the page where he said that the parents  had destroyed the love. Because they were afraid of losing their children. So they did. They did destroy our love. And it still hurts to think about the pain I caused you. But I want to look forward and I want to forgive myself. And I want to forgive my parents. They were the best parents they could be to this specific time. Because everyone just deserves peace and contentment. 

But everything that is still left is true pure and unconditional love. I transmuted all the bad memories and all the painful experiences into love. It's not that I erased the past but I have finally learnt from it. And I still do remember all the things you asked me when we had a walk after dinner in the darkness. It felt like a test. It really felt like you want to ask me these things before I go and when I come back. The only question is: will I ever come back? Because is there a way back? Is there a way back to you? I don't think so. I just think that we can meet each other on a complete new level when we crash into each other the next time in life. I don't know how long this will take. But I have still a lifetime left to figure this out. And I will not chase you or beg you to come back to me. You will come back to me. We will come back to each other. Because I became the person you always wanted to love. And your trust and your faith give me power every damn day I am not with you. 

So I am writing this down in December 2017, long time after we talked the last time. But I don't care. Because I just know. I really know that we are meant for each other. We will dance in eternity together. Forever. And I will show you this post. So that you know that I always prayed for this moment that you are reading this right now. This moment will come. I don't know when. And I did write you so many letters. I did dream of you so many nights. I did think of you so many hours. I did talk to myself about you so many times. And when the time is right the Universe will cross our paths again. And then we will just run in each other's arms. And we will melt into eternity again. And our kiss will seal this infinite love. Without time and space. Without past and future. Without pain and suffering. 

When I smoked my last joint back in September in Amsterdam I had to think of you. When I went vegan I had to think of you. When I went to the gym so many times I had to think of you. When I masturbated I had to think of you. When I saw romantic movies with a happy end I had to think of you. When I had contact with some artists I had to think of you. So please tell me, why do I think of you since I know you? I don't think of anyone else on this planet as much as I do of you. You are there all the time. And when there is a little thought gap in my mind and I think I overcome you you come back in a lucid dream twice. Double time. Boom. Most of the time we play like a seek and hide game in my dreams. I would love to know if we really meet in our dreams and if you dream the same but you just can't remember. We will never find out. The only thing I found out until now is that nothing really matters. Nothing else matters. Nothing else than you. 

I am happy and confident and I love to live my life apart from you. But I know that I will be the girl on fire who is about to burn shit down when our energies transform to a twin flame and shine in a warm bright light together. If there is such a thing as they call soul mates then you truly are mine. I never gazed at another human being the way I do look at you. You just fascinate me with all your cells. Just how you walk across me takes my breath away. How you move. So graceful. So mystical. You are just out of range. Out of every league. Your appearance nearly kills me. Because your beauty shines through your skin to the outside of your body. 

I refuse to let you go. I just can't let you go. I tried so many times. So many months. And now I just give up. I just admit that I love you forever. And that I still believe in our infinite love. In our kiss of eternity. You and me. Me and you. We are made for each other. And I will wait for you as long as it takes me, because I believe in us. And I know that you do the same. So I just live my life happily and consciously. And one day, the stars will be realigned and the Universe will serve us our first pure and unconditional meeting. And the kiss of eternity will melt us into one. 

One.