Healing

What if I do all this for healing? 

I wanna be honest with you. I can't hide it anymore. I tried for so long but I failed. And I am okay with this. I am okay with failing. But I am not okay with falling and not getting up again. Because life can be tough somtimes but you need to carry on anyway. The only thing that is sure about life is death. So we can dive into this every single day. Because every morning we have the power to decide what we want to put out in the world. What you give is what you get. Energy doesn't know anything about nice words or a beautiful dress. It just carries the message beyond. 

What would be if you know my story? I am not only here to show you how successful I live with grace and confidence. This is not meant for bragging. This is true soul work. This is healing. This website was created with only one intention: Healing. And I didn't even know it in the beginning. Two years ago, when I started this blog I was located in Rome. The immortal city. I had this feeling of something big. Something remarkable. Something pure. Something raw. Something honest. Something true. Because I need to admit that I haven't been so honest to myself for a long long time. And do you know why? Because I didn't know. I didn't know that something was wrong. Something was so fucking wrong from the roots to the top. I felt that my identity was fake. My core identity was fake. Why did I feel so fake? Because I was.

Your personality is not what you think about yourself or what other people think of you. Your personality is what your feelings are made of. The stuff dreams are made of. True emotions. Pure feelings. Don't let yourself be tricked by your thoughts. They can be motherfuckers sometimes. Trust in your emotions. Because they lead you. They guide you. They are the portal to your purpose. Life is not which profession you do for a living or which brand is written on your sport shoes. Life is about passion. Life is about compassion. Two of my favorite words. Because they have the same root. Passion. It all starts within yourself. You are the light. You are the healer. You are the love. 

 

What if I do all this for healing?

What if I tell you my biggest secret? Fuck it. I'm gonna tell you. 

In 2017 I did not only travel for fun. I did travel in time. I did travel into my deepest layers of identity. I did travel into my own blood and where it comes from. My heart beats so fast while typing this. Two years ago when I was in Thailand living my best vegan health life my mom called me. She called me to tell me the truth. The raw fucking honest truth: Jacky, I am so so sorry, but I lied to you. The dad you grew up with is not your real dad. Your biological father is another man. I lied to you because I was afraid. And I can hardly describe how sorry I am. 

WHAT THE FUCK??? Two years ago I fell into the darkest and deepest hole you can't even think of. I fell. And I couldn't get up anymore. I was just lying on the floor crying and screaming and punshing the floor. I was so fucking angry. Why did this happen to me? Why me? Why did I think that I have the privilege of a "normal" life? Fuck normal. Fuck it. I wanna talk about it. Because I am so indescribably grateful for knowing the truth. When I was on this magic mushroom trip three years ago I really felt that something in my life would change. Something big would change and shakes me to the core. My dad is not my dad. Why? Why me? So people do strange things when they are in doubt. Last summer I got introduced to my biological father. We did this paternity test. It was 99,9999 % obvious that he is the one. 

23 years living a kind of normal life in a kind of normal family with kind of normal friends and kind of normal habits. Fuck it. Life can be the exact opposite of what you thought it is. I shaved my head the morning we both went to the paternity test. Because he has a bald head. I knew that I wanted to shave my whole head before going to this special doctor. The picture the doctor made of us is the most beautiful picture of myself in the whole world. Me, my dad, both without hair, sitting in the waiting room. Just us two. While typing this I am not crying. I am so happy.

 

What if I do all this for healing? 

Mom, I love you. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to fail. It's okay to lie. I am so grateful that you gave me my life. I don't care about the past. I just wanna know the truth and carry on. And I love you no matter what. This event made me more conscious. More aware. Even more grateful than I could ever thought of. To share the most intimate story with the whole world is what makes me strong. This is what makes me proud of myself. This is what heals me deep inside. Sharing emotions. Talking about trauma. Telling someone about your fears. Open up your heart for not knowing if it's worth it. All we need is trust. And a little more compassion. Since this happened to me I feel the biggest amount of compassion possible. It's about a deeper understanding. I care more for others. I see people with different eyes. Because I see myself with different eyes. My DNA is different than I thought. There are so much more words that I could text right now about this topic but for now it's enough. 

 

What if I do all this for healing? 

Life is a bitch. Destiny can fuck you pretty hard. Purpose is what you feel passionate about. And whatever may come, I will always feel passionate about living. About loving. About loving myself. Thank you, dear Universe, for whatever you are going to bless me with in my future life. I am so grateful for all my personal experiences and that they shaped me to the woman I am becoming. Not everything that glitters is gold, my child. Sometimes life can teach you the best lessons while you are having a blast time. And sometimes it makes you sad. You know what? I don't care. I am happy within myself. I am happy with who I am becoming. I am only focussing on the good. Positive vibes only. Fuck it. I wanna have a happy life. No matter what happened. No matter what comes. I am happy. 

 

Thank you. I love you.